Parenting Discipline

Parenting Discipline
A term I often use that is just as often misunderstood is "Parenting Discipline" .
I figured it was time to define this as I mean it.
When I say "Parenting Discipline" I'm not talking about disciplining your children. I'm talking about disciplining yourself. Why do you need disciplining? Well, let's start with what the word "discipline" actually means.  For that, we'll go to my favorite online dictionary: Dictionary.com:

dis·ci·pline

 [dis-uh-plin]  Show IPA noun, verb,-plined,-plin·ing.
–noun

1. training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline.

2. activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill; training: A daily stint at the typewriter is excellent discipline for a writer.

3. punishment inflicted by way of correction and training.

4. the rigor or training effect of experience, adversity, etc.: the harsh discipline of poverty.

5. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army.

6. a set or system of rules and regulations.

Okay so now we'll put this into context with our topic:

1. Training to act in accordance with the rules:

Whose rules? YOUR rules. But why do you need training to act in accordance with your own rules?

Have you ever seen a mother trying desperately to get her child to agree to put a toy back on the shelf? How often does the parent win this battle? What is wrong with this scene?

The parent is failing to act in accordance with her own rules! It is the parent's place to decide which items are purchased in a store and thus, the parent should have her own rules for deciding what is bought and what is not. So when the child demands an item that the parent does not agree to purchase, the parent must act in accordance with her own rules and stick to her own reasoning.

The alternative? Bending to the will of the child.

This is unacceptable behavior from a parent because it leads to constant behavioral distortions as the child begins to wrest power from the adult. Now the child, who needs your guidance and discipline of her own, has taken the wheel and will quickly drive the family into chaos. If you do not discipline yourself to stick to your own rules and your own decisions, you are not properly training your child; you're letting her train you.

2. Activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill:

So how do you train to be a good parent? That depends on how hard you find it to stick to your guns in the first place. Do you have trouble when your little one gives you a sweet face and puppy eyes? Then you need to train yourself to hold to your own rules better. How can you do this? For one, you can agree with your spouse to help each other remember to hold to your rules. If you're a single parent, I understand this isn't an option, but being a single parent is tough any way you look at it. You just have to keep on telling yourself absolutely that the better you hold to your virtues, the better your child's life will be in the end, even if it's not easy to keep it up right now. Honestly? Meditation helps improve your willpower and concentration. It also helps with the cycle of Healthy Parenting: Patience, Acceptance and Harmony. So if you find that you have trouble holding to your own rules, try training yourself to be more willful and assertive. I recommend meditation and Yoga or T'ai Chi.

3. Punishment inflicted by way of correction and training:

In truth, punishment was never an original definition for discipline. We arrived at this meaning of the word through social usage of the word which comes from a Latin root discipulus, which means "student or pupil" and which relates quite directly to "learning". Over time, the meaning of the word has morphed through use in our society, coming to mean training and a quality of character in which a person has been well-trained, and finally to mean "punishment" which bares no resemblance to the original meaning of the word. It is important when we think of discipline that we remember the original meaning of the word and do not assign merit to punishment which is beyond that which is due. We have all heard phrases of ancient wisdom which instruct us regarding "discipline" and our children... but have we taken those words of wisdom completely incorrectly, defining "discipline" as punishment rather than guidance?

4. The rigor or training effect of experience, adversity:

This is closer to our meaning when we consider that discipline means "guidance, teaching, learning" and not "punishment". So what does this say about us as parents? Experience and adversity lead us to being properly trained. That is, experience and adversity will guide us to being better parents. Well that makes sense, doesn't it? In time, we will all get better at what we're doing, but only if we're headed in the right direction to begin with!

5. Behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control:

So good parenting discipline means you have taught yourself to behave in accord with your own rules of conduct. You have learned to maintain this behavior and order by training and control.

6. A set or system of rules and regulations:

Every parent needs one. This does not mean you have to have it all figured out ahead of time. If you do, I can only say, "Wow!". What this means is that you need to set up systems for yourself as the need arises so that you have a framework of behavior to fall into when times get tough. This is very much what I was doing when I set up defined parameters for my little one's nutrition before birth. This system adapted over time as she grew, but I always held to the system when I had to make a tough choice and wanted to make sure I didn't buckle under the pressure and hurt her in the long run by doing so! The first time we went to the store and she begged for a toy, we realized it was time to make a system for handling toy purchases so we could react properly every time. We didn't have that one figured out ahead of time, so we dealt with it as best as we could that one time, then discussed it and decided how to handle future actions. This will be a system of systems. In the end you will adapt it over and over again as new needs arise. And that is just fine.

Disciplining yourself (Remember: Guiding, or teaching yourself!) on how to handle these affairs will make for smoother sailing in the long run.

Parenting Discipline is fundamental to healthy parenting!

So when I talk about parenting discipline, remember that I'm not talking about how you handle your children, but rather, how you handle yourself!

Good luck!

Arsh